I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
