ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I was just about to go down on her when she gave herself a "smell check" and said "no, not today".
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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