I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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