I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I turned off my domesticated goddess switch over 2 years ago and idk how to turn it back on. So in the mean time I'll dodge this gf bullet and eat free steak for as long as possible
Randomize
