I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
Yep. About to get on pornhub to spill some Christmas cheer
I am wasted and people are fist pumping. This should not happen on the west coast.
Thats two for two birthdays where I've gotten the "alcoholism runs in the family" speech
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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