I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
