The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just shaved my vagina. It's been so long I forgot what it looked like. You need to come over right now.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
