I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
My balls are so social today.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
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