did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
He's beautiful. His facial hair makes me wanna cum in it
Ew, no. But yeah I feel the same
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
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