I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
tried to be sexy and unbutton his shirt with my teeth. ended up slobbering all over it. thank god he was already passed out
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
Randomize
