You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Rage-masturbating and then crying myself to sleep. Welcome to Wednesday.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Randomize
