she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
Totally forgot this... How weird was it when they were licking our faces
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Do you have paint?
Paint? I wish
OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
