i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
Exactly best part of my night he took of his shirt and surprise traveler fanny pack
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
Randomize
