i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
The last thing I remembered was laying in the bathtub fully clothed with the shower running while he was picking grilled cheese out of my hair. I couldn't figure out if i was more upset about being soaking wet or the fact that my grilled cheese was in my hair instead of my mouth.
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
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