omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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