Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
im almost positive that in mid thrust she told me she was pro choice
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He was humming "here comes Peter cottontail" while unbuttoning his pants. Happy Easter to me
My boob is missing a layer of skin
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Randomize
