even my farts smell like vagina
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.
Fear?
FEAR.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Look, as a friend I'm asking to see a picture of his tiny dick
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
