I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon
what does alcohol mean
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
