I thought she was going to get passionate and throw her on the bed and fuck her, but she just started breaking stuff.
That's the thing about women.
Yeah I'm pretty much like lane on gilmore girls except my mom doesn't look so mean all the time.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
