Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
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