Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
We sent off fireworks off in the taco bell drive through. They're taking it way too seriously.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
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