I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
guess who has a date tonight
look at you growing up, going on dates before she hops into bed
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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