Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
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I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
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Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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