My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Randomize
