Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Randomize
