Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
