she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I just used my citation as a bookmark. Want a beer?
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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