The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
