when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
Randomize
