You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
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