Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
How did you manage that?
Told her it wasn't GENITAL herpes... just ORAL herpes... on my penis
lol... jersey girls rock
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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