GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
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