it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.
Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
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