You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
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she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
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You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
The ONE weekend I don't put anything up my nose, and it decides to bleed like crazy
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk