This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
