so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
that awkward moment when you use blowjob jokes as a segue into coming out as bi
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
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