I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I cannot pick him out of a line up. I remember he is blonde and his half flaccid dick looks like gonzo. So unless he pulls down his pants I don't know who he is
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
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