Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
how hairy? two words: wookie tits
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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