I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
So squirting runs in the family.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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