im so hungover...we just watched The Perfect Storm and i got seasick
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
The chick who threw the party was all pissed cause she thought I made out with her boyfriend. Admittedly, I did, but she was throwing up and crying at the time so she really can't be that mad.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
She looks like a character that batman would try to kill, or something.
Randomize
