you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Me and a lesbian played "may the best man win" over a bi chick tonight... I lost, still fun though
He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I saw your relationship status and wanted to write "Now you can fuck with some peace of mind that she isn't giving that other guy she met online a handjob."
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
