and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I woke up with a bagel in my mouth, still ate it. Free breakfast
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
