my phone needs a breathalizer
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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