You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
She's Christian and monogamous. Two wammies right there. No amount of convincing will turn that bi for a night.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
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