I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
tonight lets celebrate not being married
she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...
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Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n
Why am I even shocked you're doing this....
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
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Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
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