Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
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