Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
Apparently drinking in your car before going into a sales meeting is frowned upon. We are car sales men not doctors.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
false alarm, still single
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