fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
Gross thing of the day...i got cum in my new boots
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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