I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
Marg and I just meaowed the nat anthem. I was tenor.
'm tripping baaaaaaaaaaaaaaas
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
