her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
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