you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
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