Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
I am midnight drunk by noon
I just peed in the Schreyer honors college shrubbery. Thanks honors students, you're finally good for something
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
