I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Come over. I've made 2 dinners and so many cocktails. I'm a 50's housewife with no family.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Has anyone ever blacked out at an art show your dad brought you to?
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
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