We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Randomize
