Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
Ice skating? Did you see me last night? I don't even know where my socks are
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Randomize
