You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
