Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.
It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
We got to the party at eleven, and the host was already in the hospital from being stabbed. And she brought the stabber home with us when we left.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
Randomize
